Nikki

08:25 pm: my favourite site:

http://tipsandthinspo.xanga.com/

hmmm

i need to think of new things

drastic measure...

hmmm

i might test out and old thing i used to do, i'll try that tonight

i wish i could access my old blogs and sites and everything, i need inspiration

hmmm


ponderings...

need action NOW!

12:09 am: fucking hell
fatty fatty needs to not be so fucking fat :(

right aiming for 500 cals and 60mins of cardio along with 3 reps of each of my chosen weights and 100 crunches and also i will try an aqua aerobics class, thats on at 4:45 tomorrow and yoga is on at 7:45 so gonna try for both :)

might drive down to the beach sometime this week, go for a swim, get a tan, etc etc

ugh dying, so tired, i think i'm going to crash

01:51 am: Thinspo
Thinspirational Pictures :)

This is what i want to look like!!!

*waits for mum to GTFO of my room... FUCK i want privacy! i want to move out... like yesterday :( I want space! FUCK OFF seriously! OMG OMG OMG GET OUT!!! walks out for a few few then comes back and looks over my shoulder!! OMG! FUCK OFF!









ah fuck it, i'm not going to get chance to post more :( no freaking privacy here, i'm 24 years old, i need my damn space!!

perhaps i'm just cranky because i'm caffeine deprived :(

01:36 am: more late night ramblings
so i'm thinking of a less crazy ramble tonight... i don't really have much energy to yell and scream

still struggling :(

lonely as all hell, never been so lonely before, i dislike it immensely, but i am trying to get used to it, failing... lol

today i have not has any coke! i am in considerable pain, everything is aching and i can't get rid of my headache, i am cranky and horridly emotional as well, i have turned into a needy whiney mess and its pissing me off... =/

however from not having my usual 3 - 4 cans of coke i have cut out 483 - 644 calories from my consumption, which is AWESOME! that should help my weight loss big time, aiming to keep calories under 1000 per day now, and gymming will start as of today, yay! *sarcasm*

been researching cosmetic surgery, but it looks like i won't be able to afford it, i'm wondering if i would be able to get a loan for it, but then again, i'm going to have a huge student loan for uni... according to the bank i could in theory borrow $30,000, but the repayments were $600 a month, and i only get just over $400 a week... hmmm... i wish there was a way i could get money quick, too fat to work as a stripper, sadly if i was thinner i would consider it =/ call me immoral if you must, but hey, its hard to get a good job out there... considering applying to be a delivery driver for some extra money, goddamit why i dont i have anything of value to sell? bah enough about money, i will go find out how much surgery will cost before i worry about that, the idea of liposuction on hips/thighs/tummy and a chin implant along with some facial resurfacing sounds amazing though, and maybe even a boob job, lol greedy hey! i just want to love myself and be confident, is that really so wrong? :(

sooooo hungry again, not touching any more food though, i've cut out all red meat (beef, lamb etc etc) and i'm severely limiting white meat, the only meat i am currently eating is a bit of tuna or salmon and once in a while, chicken. also avioding any form of take away (cept sushi - my weakness yummmmmm!) would ultimately like to be fully vegetarian and live on healthy things like rice and veggies, my doctor once said, you dont see any fat vegetarians, so its worth a try, lol.

hmmmm

hmmmmm

feeling a bit confused... need some direction in life... hate sitting in limbo not knowing whats happening with everything, really hoping i get in for the first QTAC offer round tomorrow!!! really REALLY REALLY hoping! it would be good to have something to be excited about!

01:51 am: Dear God

If you are really out there, please hear me... I really do not know what to do anymore... I feel as if I have fallen into a pit and I can't get out. I feel as if I am going crazy, I flip out for no reason and get panic attacks and then end up in tears a few minutes later. I am sick of trying to act like I have everything together. I just wish someone would care enough to actually realise I am crying out for help...

Back in April 2006 you put things in place for me to go to church with an awesome friend of mine, it couldn't have just been a co-incidence thing! When I look back that exact moment in time 9th April 2006 about 8pm is the moment I have pin pointed that my life officially took a turn for the worst. It has been 3 and a half years lord, why is this still haunting me? WHY?! What on earth have I done to deserve this? I didn't go back there for just over a year (June 2007 I think) and I felt like I should be there, so I stayed around, but all it has caused me is pain and total torment! Its just plain awful. How much longer am I supposed to deal with it. I tried to make it stop by getting into a relationship, that crashed and burned, I ran away from the church, but I kept feeling like I need to be there, and so I have gone back again, and yet still the wounds are still open, I have gotten to the point where I am starting to get very angry about it, it is just torture! I go to another church and still I feel drawn towards this church, I can't make sense of it, how can this be of me if it causes so much pain? Why would I do this to purposefully hurt myself? I do not enjoy having a panic attack whilst driving there, I do not enjoy the resentment I am still holding towards another person there (for no good reason I believe) the only thing I enjoy about it is seeing a few friends, I dont really even care that much for the messages, or the music, I hate the music, it bores me, I hate the mentality of the church, I hate the way because I'm 24 and unmarried I am the minority, you think I haven't tried? I dont want to be like this, but the efforts to change it have failed. I really have tried, I want to get married and have a family and all that, how is it my fault that I haven't been able to find the right guy? I have tried so hard, yet I still fail? why is that? am i too fat? am i too nice? what the f*ck is it?

You want me to go to church, why must you make it so hard?

I will keep going back over the holidays, please during this time help me, I have tried so hard to do this myself, I have asked you time and time again, but nothing seems to change :(

I am willing take direction, please give it to me...

please make this stop :(

11:33 pm: quote time
"nothing tastes as good as thin feels"

"I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul"

"Don't eat. If you want to see food, look in the mirror at your thighs"

"Pain is weakness leaving the body"

Paris is gorgeous - i want to look like that - NOW!

10:36 pm: testing testing.... has the theme changed?

05:32 pm: Wow I haven't touched this in years!

Sadly things haven't really changed much, still too fat, still trying to lose weight, lost about 2 - 3 kgs recently, hoping to keep that up.

I have eaten 2 slices of toast, a tin of tuna, a slice of rye flat bread and a soft serve ice cream, my gosh, i am so going to try and skip dinner tonight, I am such a fat ass :(

Being sick and moping because my best friend is 8000kms away is quite helpful, i don't have much appetite, but I have very little energy to exercise, which sucks, need to figure out a fun way to exercise (lol - if it exists)

I'm trying to make myself go to the gym and do at least some light weights to start building a bit of lean muscle, stupid flabby arms and tummy :( yuck yuck yuck

my coke (the drink) addiction isn't getting any better, i have had about 2 cans so far today, hopefully no more than 1 more, i coke = 161 calories, so fatty needs to get on the treadmil more... fail fail fail

sent a package off to my bestie yesterday, cost me $50, but hopefully it will make him smile, such a lovely boy he is, i miss him so much, i have never really missed someone like this before, it hurts so much, i cry everyday, i dont care much for eating or drinking or really doing anything, i just mope and play wow and sleep.

so i rediscovered my old websites from back in my skinny days, wow! i heart them muchly!

it has put me off dinner :)

below is some thinspiration :) yay! gorgeous girl! i could get down to that weight, i have been ther before, so its time to do it again! love the blonde too, i'm slowly making mine blonde again :)



i think a convenient nap to avoid dinner is called for

i'll update more later :)

<3 <3

01:57 pm: i like sushi
i walked 2 kms to get it! yum...

hopefully ill be thinner 2moro

i should post up old piccies of me... when i was 40kgs..

12:58 pm: cloaked from human view, we start our interface debut... [xo]
well no entry yesterday... darn

i totaly unheart me right now... bad bad Nikki... i have eaten waay too much bread today... like 4 pieces... and its only 1pm... [omg] awful... i feel like a fat lump o lard! [sigh] 

my weight hasnt changed still [grrr] but at least i know im eating way way way less... and i feel a tad [thinner] and i know i am gaining total control of my body... lord knows i need it! 

i think ill scare the world with my weight... maybe that will shock me into doing something about it!

atm i weigh 76 *bmi - 26.6*

i was 80 *bmi - 28*

short term goal 1 = 75 *bmi - 26.3*
short term goal 2 = 70 *bmi - 24.5*
mid term goal 1 = 65 *bmi - 22.8*
mid term goal 2 = 60 *bmi - 21*
long term goal 1 = 55 *bmi - 19.3*
long term goal 2 = 50 *bmi - 17.5*

i soo need to up the exercise so i can reach these goals asap!!

2nite i am gonna do the following

100 sit ups
100 leg lifts (each leg)
5 songs on meduim on Dance UK
jog on spot - 15mins

i [heart] you all :-)

09:02 pm: [ xo ] Quizzes, dancing... ohh my hair smells sooo nice... [ xo ]
Hello hello :-)

today got a tad better... i played my ps2 dancing game until i nearly passed out! wooo! go me!


not much else to say really...

[ xo ] i heart david [ xo ]

01:33 pm: fatty fatty fat fat
ewww i binged... on sushi... 2 whole pieces *ugh* i feel sooo sick and full... *shudders*

well at least i only binged on that and not on kfc or something... 

but still... ickyness

i have just got me a 14 day free pass for fernwood gym... i need to exercise more!!! 

ta ta my pretties

10:07 am: a movie shot in black and white, that we replayed all through the night...
meow...

i hope everyone is doing well today... i have had some bread... thats all...

i think my eatings has incresed a bit over the past few days... still just things like bread, sushi, and tinned spaghetti... subway used to be normal... now its a binge... so my view on food has changed alot... sexxxalent...

i am going to walk down to the station (1km) to get sushi for lunch! yey for that! i really need to exercise... im just soo tired all the time... and i have 2 assignments to do and 4 work project things as well... and im trying to start up a business as well... omg... soo much to do... damn this...

but i know i am getting back on track.. i may not be loosing as quick as i would want to... but i can feel the control and so forth comming back... and i am feeling lighter and soooo much better

tee hee... no one knows i use this anymore... like my friends and stuff... seems my litle secret is safe :-)

it feels good to starve... very liberating...

prolly going to gympie in a mth or two with david... holy shit i have to get thinner by then... otherwise i am not going... well its my call when we go so im thinking 1st week of may... or when i get to 60... we have been together for nearly 4mths now :-) yey for that!

must dash now

[ xo ] Nikki [ xo ]

04:36 pm: ohhhh that was close....
i started to eat a tim-tam... but threw it out... yey me!

i had a 6inch sub from subway... *cries*, but it had no cheese and it was a roast chicken one... for punishment i will spend some time on the dancemat later... once i have finished my assignments...

i love seeing davids family but its hard coz they like to feed me... yesterday it was toasted cheese/chicken/ham/onion/tomato rolls... which i LOVE... but only ate half a one... GO ME! no one is sus... im too fat to be starving myself or have an eating disorder... tee hee

welli  have much to do.... and not enough time to do it... :(

i heart you all :)

xo

12:26 am: darn im not tha gr8est wif mr livejournal... poop
ebay is love

converting .pdf to .doc on the ther hand is not... damn...

i should make jewellery and people should buy it off me... yah dat would be supercool!

*ponders*

im hungry! well duh! thats a good thing tho... hungry means you are loosing weight and god knows you need it you fat ass! 

ill be weighin in 2moro... hopefully the fat will be falling... 

its supercool coz winter is comming... so i can hide under fat clothes... then suddenly  WAM SMACK! ill be thin for summer! yeyness! i cant wait!!!

( Paris Hilton is love )

my precious david got a converter for my ipod... so hopefully i will be able to watch videos on it! coolness!!

( Christina Aguilera is love )

well i am starting to get a headache... so i guess i shall sleep now!

nitey nite

i heart yall

xo

10:39 pm: ♥ colarbones are love ♥


i felt thinner today... mum and david both commented on it... i personally felt like a heiffer... ugh... hugeness... badness... sigh

didnt aviod food as much as i had planned tho... had to eat dinner at davids... had like 1/3 of a ham steak and picked at a vege lasangna thingy... darn... i should be exercising right now... its nearly midnight tho... and i have just showered, not gonna happen... darn...

ah well, much to do... stupid work tasks and so forth... and davids mum wants me to make phone cases for her business... omg woot i think she likes me! yeyness!



on that note i am gone 

i heart you all

xo

03:12 pm: work ponderings...
im at work... its saturday... lol

i have done my allocated amount of files (70) so im taking a break now... i have other stuff to do, like prep for work projects i am involved in...

didnt weigh in this morning... weighing everyday is disheartening i think... esp when you dont loose...

food for today:

2 slices bread
1x tin of spaghetti (ya know the low fat/cal one)

i will have some sushi when i leave and weasel out of dinner when i go to davids :) i wonder if his mumsy will notice i have gotten slightly less fat.. lol i doubt it.. im such a whale :(

my ipod is nearly dead... :( ah well

ta ta my pretties :)

xo

08:16 pm: ipod video sucks ass
its sooo freaking hard to get videos on the ipod video... GRRR!

08:08 pm: back on track!
well mr.livejoural has lost this entry THREE times now!

to sum up.. i am going back to my old eating habits... i have lost 4kgs and i have26 to go... omg... wow... that sucks... i have been eating very very little for the past 2weeks! w00t! i can do this again!!

food today:

2 slices of bread
2 thingies of sushi

and no more today! yey!

01:19 pm: i dont think imma bother posting on here anymore...


its not like anyone reads it/ replies/ cares...



*tears up*


im soooo alone